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WHO AM I?

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Before our son was born I was so proud to do the work I was doing; case manager/substance abuse counselor/social worker extraordinaire. I felt fortunate to have gained my work (and much of my life) experience through working in the trenches with some of society's most desolate and needy people. I eventually worked my way “up” from doing medically managed substance abuse treatment to street outreach and finally into a more tame bureaucratic office environment. I landed the job I had always hoped for; I was at the place I had planned to stay. I fantasized about settling in until retirement and was ready to stick it out for the long haul. I had fantastic benefits and top pay (that would continue to climb) for what I did; even when I got pregnant I knew I would return to work…I had to; I'd be crazy to leave a job this good.

After our little guy was born I felt like it took about 8 weeks to get my feet on the ground and get settled which left me about 4 more to go in my maternity leave to enjoy spending time with our little guy. As I started to realize how quickly babies change and grow and was faced with having to prepare to return to work something started to change in my feelings and thought process. My husband came home from work one evening and found me laying on the couch crying holding our sweet baby boy and with concern and surprise asked what was wrong. Clutching our sleeping little guy I told him I didn't want to go back to work.
This incident sparked many heartfelt talks about our future as a family, my future as a mother, our future as parents, and ultimately my future as a working woman. I had so many thoughts about returning to work; all of which seemed normal for a new mom but unfair to use as a guide as I had no experience as a working mother and minimal as a stay at home mom. I mean let's be honest, maternity leave felt more like a 12 week vacation where there was no pressure to do anything but spend time getting to know and bonding with our son; staying at home full time would be a much different story.
I needed to give work a try. It's what we had planned on and what we were prepared for. It didn't seem right to just make a decision based on emotion without fact or experience. We wanted to make sure that the decision we may possibly make was one I could comfortably stand by no matter which way things went. So; I returned to work, and did just fine. My mornings were a little hectic (but nothing to really complain about), my days went quickly (thanks to a modified schedule and pumping) and I loved our day care provider.
The hardest part for me was the afternoon pick up. Getting to our day care provider's house and hearing someone else tell me about what kind of a day our little guy had absolutely killed me. Alas, I knew what I had to do.
After much prayer, countless hours of discussion, and reworking a budget that more often than not ended up in the red, my husband and I decided that me staying home with our son was the best decision for our family. This decision came with such interesting (unsolicited…but isn't that how it always is with parenting choices??) feedback from others. I felt like I'd heard it all from words of encouragement and praise to words of caution and (of course) words of negativity. I started to see that women had such differing views on staying at home and returning to work; I began to learn about the passion that this decision evokes in mothers. I enjoyed hearing women's opinions and thoughts and seeing them stand strong and confidently by their decision.
Coming to my decision was not an easy thing for me.
Thus, The Momflict was born. It allowed me to get feedback and different viewpoints from the women in my life who had already crossed this bridge I was on. I was never too sure where the blog would end up and assumed it would end sooner than later (or at least after my decision was made); but thanks to the encouragement and support of those who love me, it keeps on going.
Many days I find myself looking from (what feels like) the outside in at myself and my life. So much of the fear I had before I decided to stay home rested in; whether or not I'd be content without my work, if I would lose my identity without my dreamy job with the plush benefits and healthy pay, and whether or not staying home would spark resentments between my husband and I. For some reason my picture of a stay at home mom was of a 1950's housewife with the house clean, the beds, made, and dinner on the table as my sweet husband arrived home from work every day…don't ask me where that came from because that's no picture of my childhood or what I've grown up believing by any means.
As I see myself now I can't help but sit back surprised at who I am and who I continue to become. More often than not I find myself swelling with contentment while putting away dishes, folding the laundry, making baby food, and getting a healthy meal on the table. I'm cautious to talk too freely about my thoughts and feelings because my goal with my writing is to be transparent and real; not “blog perfect”.
Life isn't always peachy and perfect in my world but the woman I am and the woman and mother I am becoming pleasantly surprises me daily. I guess for me, my deep concerns (just a few short months ago) about who I would become and who I would be without the work I've always known, have dissipated. Those fears have been filled with confidence in knowing that where I'm at and who I am now is exactly who and what I was always meant to be.
I look forward to sharing more about my journey and about where I've come and certainly more about where I'm going. Being able to share in life experiences and draw from others gives me hope and encouragement. For today I feel content with who I am and am so blessed to have had the opportunity to experience such a beautiful transformation.

What about you? What was your transition to stay at home motherhood like? Was it hard for you? Did you or do you feel like you've lost your sense of identity? How about your transition from maternity leave back to the working world? Have you faced challenges or reliefs in returning to work? Does that feeling change as your children get older?

Erin Medina Heins loves photography and is an amateur sewer , former substance abuse counselor and case manager turned professional baby snuggler. Each day she works to cherish her time with her rapidly growing sweet little baby man while balancing not letting life and it’s distractions get in the way! Visit her on her blog, Facebook, and twitter.

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  1. Brenda H says

    Your blog post touched me! I have worked as an advocate for children, and their parents, who have experienced domestic violence and sexual assault. It changed me!

    I am sure you made the right decision for you! Babies do grow up so fast! I am not a mother, but if I become one, I would have the same momflict as you.
    Brenda H recently posted..Five Question FridayMy Profile

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  2. Dennis Thonstad says

    Erin, I enjoyed reading your article. That must have been an extremely difficult situation. My mother chose to stay home and take care of us and I know she never regretted it. It is certainly a decision that each mom has to make for themselves and I am not one that thinks one choice is more right than another. I think it is great that you made the decision as a family together and that seems to be the real key. Doing what is right for your family. My wife and I have laughed about the fact that if one of us stayed home with our boys it would be me. I am glad that our society is becoming less judgmental about these family decisions. Even though I still feel if I were to stay home as a Dad it would be hard to get over those societal feelings that I should be the “Bread Winner.” Thanks for sharing your story. Great writing and keep it up!

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